BlowBack^TM future post date: August 4th, 2016

Accepting the nomination of the Democratic Party last night, Senator Barack Obama called for party unity in the face of Republican attacks. "We cannot disparage one another despite our differences. We must stand together for justice, for peace, and for the prosperity of this great nation which we all love."

Following the speech, Vice Presidential nominee Jennifer Granholm praised the speech as a great end-note for the convention. "Barack's vision for America was on display tonight, and I think it shows our commitment to continuing the social and economic prosperity of the American people begun by President Warner."

BlowBack^TM future post date: February 9th, 2010

The fledgling campaign of Illinois Senate candidate Jack Ryan has met a similar fate to his 2004 campaign today as revelations about European sex-romps have once again forced him to quit the race.

In 2004, allegations of his estranged wife and Star Trek actress Jeri Ryan regarding visits to New York and Paris sex clubs where he attempted to force her to perform public sexual acts doomed the family-values-oriented politician. This time around, news of trips he made to Amsterdam to engage in what is known locally as "Von Poepen-Geslacht", or vulgar outdoor extra-marital affairs, have doomed his dream of representing Illinois on the floor of the Senate.

According to Ryan, "It's a shame that the great people of Illinois will have to be represented by an upstanding black man who supports gay marriage for another six years."

BlowBack^TM future post date: July 9th, 2007

Today's nuclear strike on a suspected Iranian chemical weapons factory was the fourth such attack in the past two weeks. The attack was leveled at an alleged chemical production site in Esfahan. In addition to the destruction of the site, civilian casualties are estimated to be between 50,000 to 300,000 with fallout continuing to affect the city of over one million residents.

The attacks have taken place under a revised Pentagon nuclear policy approved in 2005, authorizing the Defense Department to take pre-emptive nuclear action against nations suspected of using weapons of mass destruction.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld commented on the attack by lauding its effectiveness, while explaining the civilian deaths as "unfortunate." Responding to a question as to why the nuclear option has been used, Rumsfeld continued, "When it comes to things like this, there are some things we don't know, and some things we know we don't know. What we don't know, we don't know. In this case, we don't know what we know. Next question."

BlowBack^TM future post date: November 19, 2005

President Bush today announced his appointment of John E. Pennington to replace Michael Brown as director of FEMA. Pennington has been serving as Northwest Regional Director of FEMA since his appointment in 2001.

"Penny's been a great part of our emergency response team up in Seattle, and just like Brownie I'll bet he does a great job keeping our emergency services on indefinite stand-by during disasters," said Bush.

Recently, Pennington's qualifications came under fire in local Seattle media due to his lack of holding any relevant experience and a degree from a suspected "diploma mill". Responding to a question about Pennington's background, White House Spokesman Scott McClellan said, "I think we've addressed this issue numerous times in the past and as always we won't be commenting on it until the ongoing investigation is complete."

BlowBack^TM future post date: June 21, 2008

In a poll released today, President Bush's job approval ratings remained steady at the same 38% result seen by major polls post-Hurricane Katrina. Frank Newport, editor of the Gallup Poll, considers this result a "net zero--a 'basement floor' of support which cannot go any lower". According to Newport, "The consistent thirty-seven to thirty-nine percent approval ratings seen over the past three years show that every last person who could possibly disapprove of President Bush does, infact, disapprove of his job performance."

Consequently, many professional pollsters have dubbed the 38% mark the "idiot line", due to the fact that 38% of the American public are idiots. Explaining Bush's support among idiots, Newport explained that, "most idiots do not have access to the internet, are illiterate, and do not watch television outside of re-run reality shows and cable news."

BlowBack^TM future post date: November 9, 2006

Senator-elect Paul Hackett today said that he is "locked and loaded, ready for action" in the coming 110th Congress. "I'm coming for your chicken-hawk ass, Bush. Just like I did Zarqawi." Hackett served a tour of duty in Iraq with the Marines in 2004.

Key to Hackett's victory was his tough talk regarding the President's handling of the Iraq War, as well as issues surrounding incumbent Senator Mike DeWine stemming from his involvement in the Ohio Republican Party's "CoinGate" scandal.

Following Hackett's statement and yesterday's loss of Senate control to Democrats, President Bush scheduled an impromtu vacation at his Crawford ranch, expected to end sometime in 2007.

BlowBack^TM future post date: August 27th, 2008

FEMA Director Charles Jarvis today stated that the agency's lack of response to Hurricane Dolly was due in large part to newspaper reports which claimed Friday that Atlantic City had been "spared the wrath of God." When asked whether race was a factor in FEMA's decision to focus on the evacuation of Harrah's, Trump Plaza and the Tropicana with the first wave of busses and helicopters, Jarvis replied that "blacks play in the casinos too."

President Bush later spoke in the Rose Garden to reporters and addressed the situation as a "awe-inspiring disaster." The President spoke fondly of his many stays in the coastal tourist destination when he was younger. "I remember when I was at Yale, me and some of the other Skull and Boneses would jump in a car and drive all the way to A.C. for the weekend. By the time we got there, that fifth of Jim Beam would be done. Good times, good times."