BlowBack^TM future post date: July 20, 2008

Latest Terror Attack Reminds Americans that Muslims Want to Kill Them; Homeland Security Proposes More Surveillance

Despite the implementation of the Homeland Security Comprehensive Terrorist Surveillance System a year ago, DHS's nationwide network was unable to prevent the suicide bombing yesterday of "Maxie," the world's largest goose statue in Sumner, Missouri. The blast, while wounding no one, destroyed the primary tourist attraction in Tallahatchie County and was a shock to America's consciousness--reviving fears of America's vulnerability to terrorist attack.

According to newly-appointed Director of Homeland Security Gen. Michael Hayden, the System, which records the phonecalls of all Americans in the more terrorist-laden "Blue States," should be expanded in order to prevent future blasts at American tourist sites. "This sort of thing shows that Americans are allowed to make too many unmonitored communications with each other. If we want to prevent the next blast, we need to give up more of our privacy in exchange for the safety of what we hold dear." Sources close to the National Security Agency say that future plans may include random searches of homes and waterboarding of suspected terrorists in hotbeds such as Massachusetts and Maryland.

President Bush noted today that, "a vicious attack upon a landmark such as Maxie cannot go without response. If the killers think they can attack our fiberglass geese without retribution, then I say bring it on." Military plans are currently being compiled by the Pentagon's Office for Special Plans in preparation of airstrikes against key Iranian migratory bird habitats.

BlowBack^TM future post date: January 15, 2069

Robotic Talking Head of James Carville Urges Democrats "Not Too Be Too Confrontational" in Face of Democratic Holocaust; Killed

The Cybo-Cryo-Gene-ReDetached head of James Carville warned Congressional Democrats on Monday to "play it safe" and "focus on healthcare issues" as they dealt with the latest in a series of Democratic setbacks. The warning came as Congressional Democrats and their aides were sent on a deathmarch to the CheneyChamber where they will be vaporized and their leftover molecules will be tortured for forty days and forty nights in accords with the Cheney-va Conventions on Torturing Democrats.

"It is important that Democrats maintain their civility and decorum in these times, especially when facing the horrors of death rivaled only by the.... AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH" Carville continued as he was incinerated, eliciting bipartisan glee for the first time in decades.

"Finally someone shut that yapping dog-Carville thing up," said the Markos-Trippi-Dean Monster. "He was really beginning to scare the fuck out of me." (As everyone knows, the Markos-Trippi-Dean Monster climbed out of the Slurry Pits after Paul Begala pushed the three of them in back when Howard Dean, Joe Trippi and Markos Moulitsas Zúniga were separate beings. Begala invited the three to the pits to finally unite against Republican Nazism and the Holocaust. But Begala did not want to lose his place as "biggest loser ever," so he pushed them into the pits. Unfortunately for Begala, the three were merged into one, stinky liberal goo creature which still blogs against Begala to this day.)

It is widely expected that Carville will find a way to retrieve each of his individual atoms and come back in some form or other as he has over the past sixty years. Although he has figured out how to do this after being vaporized, smashed, squashed, sliced, diced and turned inside-out, he still has not figured out how to cure baldness.

"Oh yeah, we haven't seen the last of him," commented our wonderful eternal leader BushBot 6000. "It's always fun to kill 'em over and over tho, just ta watch him come back again. Hehehe."

BlowBack^TM future post date: November 16, 2006

Contrary to the hopes of national Republicans, Ohio gubernatorial candidate Ken Blackwell and Maryland candidate for U.S. Senate Michael Steele garnered only 9% and 13% of the African-American vote in their respective races according to exit polling. Prior to the campaign, many in conservative circles believed that Blackwell and Steele would erode the overwhelming support Democrats had among black voters.

According to Republican pollster Bill McInturff, "African-American voters simply didn't embrace Blackwell or Steele as one of their own. These results show that when it comes to a general election, issues like healthcare and education have more bearing on who black voters side with than race."

"He's a cracker in disguise," claimed comedian and Ohio voter Dave Chappelle of Blackwell. "The guy says he's black, but I know for a fact that he didn't recognize R. Kelly in that video. If you watch that tape and you don't immediately think, 'dang, R. Kelly's doin' another teenager,' you may as well join the Sons of Italy."

When reached for comment, Steele lamented the fact that his message of personal responsibility fell short with black voters in the face of his ties to the Bush administration. According to Steele, "There you go bringing that Bush guy up again. Like I've said all year long, I don't know who that was that showed up to my fundraiser. He said he was a baseball executive from Texas, and I took him at his word."

BlowBack^TM future post date: February 27, 2008

Clinton Campaign Cheif of Staff Steve Elmendorf today explained that talk of his candidate's electability is overblown.

"Essentially, the people who say they are concerned about Senator Clinton's ability to win are putting one foot before the other. We need to first decide which liberal elitist New England Senator we want to have as the face of our party. Beating John McCain in November is secondary. All of that talk is just inside baseball."

McCain advisor Terry Nelson said that he was "generally pleased" with the results of the New Hampshire and Super Tuesday primaries on both sides of the aisle. "We're right where we want to be--leading the Republican field and poised to take on either an extremely polarizing former First Lady or an also-ran Senator from Massachusetts. Life couldn't be better."

BlowBack^TM future post date: February 3, 2006

In a sign of continued defiance in the face of his arrest, Congressman Tom DeLay today hired former Ohio Congressman James Traficant as an advisor. DeLay said, "Jim's gonna teach me how to effectively run a campaign from the pokey, as well as how to make a shank out of a mug handle. That whole tossin' salad thing may take awhile."

BlowBack^TM future post date: March 19th, 2006

Congressman Brady Kevin today announced his support for an amendment to the Federal Omnibus Budget bill requiring states to take into effect the ability of an accused drunk driver to "hold his liquor", despite being over the legal limit. The amendment, known as the "Two Beer Queer Bill", would withold federal highway dollars from any state not adopting the standards. According to Kevin, "it's ridiculous that some places will prosecute someone for being a DWI when clearly they could recite every letter of the alphabet, whether or not it was in correct order."

Lobbying on behalf of the Distilled Spirits Council, former Congressman William Janklow stated that the amendment would save countless taxpayer dollars by "reducing the strain placed upon the criminal justice system by the needless prosecution of non-crack-using, white drivers. In some states, like say, South Dakota, this would eliminate the need to prosecute anyone for DWI whatsoever."

BlowBack^TM future post date: June 21st, 2009

The Supreme Court today upheld the basis of Roe v. Wade in a 5-to-4 decision handed down today in Smith v. Alabama. The Smith decision strikes down an Alabama law passed by Governor Roy Moore requiring the consent of a Baptist minister for hysterectomy as an unconstitutional breach of privacy rights noted in Roe and Griswold v. Connecticut.

Again, as in prior cases coming before the court this term, the swing vote was cast by Justice Harriet Miers. Miers again drew the ire of conservatives for her willingness to support precedence on controversial issues, much like the Justice she replaced, Sandra Day O'Connor. According to commentator Bill Bennett, Miers "should have been aborted herself along with every black child born in 1946."