FutureEvents: The "soon-to-be-blogged" blog.

2006-05-19T12:18:00.000-07:00

BlowBack^TM future post date: July 20, 2008

Latest Terror Attack Reminds Americans that Muslims Want to Kill Them; Homeland Security Proposes More Surveillance

Despite the implementation of the Homeland Security Comprehensive Terrorist Surveillance System a year ago, DHS's nationwide network was unable to prevent the suicide bombing yesterday of "Maxie," the world's largest goose statue in Sumner, Missouri. The blast, while wounding no one, destroyed the primary tourist attraction in Tallahatchie County and was a shock to America's consciousness--reviving fears of America's vulnerability to terrorist attack.

According to newly-appointed Director of Homeland Security Gen. Michael Hayden, the System, which records the phonecalls of all Americans in the more terrorist-laden "Blue States," should be expanded in order to prevent future blasts at American tourist sites. "This sort of thing shows that Americans are allowed to make too many unmonitored communications with each other. If we want to prevent the next blast, we need to give up more of our privacy in exchange for the safety of what we hold dear." Sources close to the National Security Agency say that future plans may include random searches of homes and waterboarding of suspected terrorists in hotbeds such as Massachusetts and Maryland.

President Bush noted today that, "a vicious attack upon a landmark such as Maxie cannot go without response. If the killers think they can attack our fiberglass geese without retribution, then I say bring it on." Military plans are currently being compiled by the Pentagon's Office for Special Plans in preparation of airstrikes against key Iranian migratory bird habitats.

2006-05-14T07:05:00.000-07:00

BlowBack^TM future post date: January 15, 2069

Robotic Talking Head of James Carville Urges Democrats "Not Too Be Too Confrontational" in Face of Democratic Holocaust; Killed

The Cybo-Cryo-Gene-ReDetached head of James Carville warned Congressional Democrats on Monday to "play it safe" and "focus on healthcare issues" as they dealt with the latest in a series of Democratic setbacks. The warning came as Congressional Democrats and their aides were sent on a deathmarch to the CheneyChamber where they will be vaporized and their leftover molecules will be tortured for forty days and forty nights in accords with the Cheney-va Conventions on Torturing Democrats.

"It is important that Democrats maintain their civility and decorum in these times, especially when facing the horrors of death rivaled only by the.... AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH" Carville continued as he was incinerated, eliciting bipartisan glee for the first time in decades.

"Finally someone shut that yapping dog-Carville thing up," said the Markos-Trippi-Dean Monster. "He was really beginning to scare the fuck out of me." (As everyone knows, the Markos-Trippi-Dean Monster climbed out of the Slurry Pits after Paul Begala pushed the three of them in back when Howard Dean, Joe Trippi and Markos Moulitsas Zúniga were separate beings. Begala invited the three to the pits to finally unite against Republican Nazism and the Holocaust. But Begala did not want to lose his place as "biggest loser ever," so he pushed them into the pits. Unfortunately for Begala, the three were merged into one, stinky liberal goo creature which still blogs against Begala to this day.)

It is widely expected that Carville will find a way to retrieve each of his individual atoms and come back in some form or other as he has over the past sixty years. Although he has figured out how to do this after being vaporized, smashed, squashed, sliced, diced and turned inside-out, he still has not figured out how to cure baldness.

"Oh yeah, we haven't seen the last of him," commented our wonderful eternal leader BushBot 6000. "It's always fun to kill 'em over and over tho, just ta watch him come back again. Hehehe."

2006-05-05T08:24:00.000-07:00

BlowBack^TM future post date: November 16, 2006

Contrary to the hopes of national Republicans, Ohio gubernatorial candidate Ken Blackwell and Maryland candidate for U.S. Senate Michael Steele garnered only 9% and 13% of the African-American vote in their respective races according to exit polling. Prior to the campaign, many in conservative circles believed that Blackwell and Steele would erode the overwhelming support Democrats had among black voters.

According to Republican pollster Bill McInturff, "African-American voters simply didn't embrace Blackwell or Steele as one of their own. These results show that when it comes to a general election, issues like healthcare and education have more bearing on who black voters side with than race."

"He's a cracker in disguise," claimed comedian and Ohio voter Dave Chappelle of Blackwell. "The guy says he's black, but I know for a fact that he didn't recognize R. Kelly in that video. If you watch that tape and you don't immediately think, 'dang, R. Kelly's doin' another teenager,' you may as well join the Sons of Italy."

When reached for comment, Steele lamented the fact that his message of personal responsibility fell short with black voters in the face of his ties to the Bush administration. According to Steele, "There you go bringing that Bush guy up again. Like I've said all year long, I don't know who that was that showed up to my fundraiser. He said he was a baseball executive from Texas, and I took him at his word."

2006-04-13T07:50:00.000-07:00

BlowBack^TM future post date: February 27, 2008

Clinton Campaign Cheif of Staff Steve Elmendorf today explained that talk of his candidate's electability is overblown.

"Essentially, the people who say they are concerned about Senator Clinton's ability to win are putting one foot before the other. We need to first decide which liberal elitist New England Senator we want to have as the face of our party. Beating John McCain in November is secondary. All of that talk is just inside baseball."

McCain advisor Terry Nelson said that he was "generally pleased" with the results of the New Hampshire and Super Tuesday primaries on both sides of the aisle. "We're right where we want to be--leading the Republican field and poised to take on either an extremely polarizing former First Lady or an also-ran Senator from Massachusetts. Life couldn't be better."

2005-10-19T15:21:00.000-07:00

BlowBack^TM future post date: February 3, 2006

In a sign of continued defiance in the face of his arrest, Congressman Tom DeLay today hired former Ohio Congressman James Traficant as an advisor. DeLay said, "Jim's gonna teach me how to effectively run a campaign from the pokey, as well as how to make a shank out of a mug handle. That whole tossin' salad thing may take awhile."

2005-10-11T17:01:00.000-07:00

BlowBack^TM future post date: March 19th, 2006

Congressman Brady Kevin today announced his support for an amendment to the Federal Omnibus Budget bill requiring states to take into effect the ability of an accused drunk driver to "hold his liquor", despite being over the legal limit. The amendment, known as the "Two Beer Queer Bill", would withold federal highway dollars from any state not adopting the standards. According to Kevin, "it's ridiculous that some places will prosecute someone for being a DWI when clearly they could recite every letter of the alphabet, whether or not it was in correct order."

Lobbying on behalf of the Distilled Spirits Council, former Congressman William Janklow stated that the amendment would save countless taxpayer dollars by "reducing the strain placed upon the criminal justice system by the needless prosecution of non-crack-using, white drivers. In some states, like say, South Dakota, this would eliminate the need to prosecute anyone for DWI whatsoever."

2005-10-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

BlowBack^TM future post date: June 21st, 2009

The Supreme Court today upheld the basis of Roe v. Wade in a 5-to-4 decision handed down today in Smith v. Alabama. The Smith decision strikes down an Alabama law passed by Governor Roy Moore requiring the consent of a Baptist minister for hysterectomy as an unconstitutional breach of privacy rights noted in Roe and Griswold v. Connecticut.

Again, as in prior cases coming before the court this term, the swing vote was cast by Justice Harriet Miers. Miers again drew the ire of conservatives for her willingness to support precedence on controversial issues, much like the Justice she replaced, Sandra Day O'Connor. According to commentator Bill Bennett, Miers "should have been aborted herself along with every black child born in 1946."

2005-09-30T10:25:00.000-07:00

BlowBack^TM future post date: August 4th, 2016

Accepting the nomination of the Democratic Party last night, Senator Barack Obama called for party unity in the face of Republican attacks. "We cannot disparage one another despite our differences. We must stand together for justice, for peace, and for the prosperity of this great nation which we all love."

Following the speech, Vice Presidential nominee Jennifer Granholm praised the speech as a great end-note for the convention. "Barack's vision for America was on display tonight, and I think it shows our commitment to continuing the social and economic prosperity of the American people begun by President Warner."

2005-09-21T06:45:00.000-07:00

BlowBack^TM future post date: February 9th, 2010

The fledgling campaign of Illinois Senate candidate Jack Ryan has met a similar fate to his 2004 campaign today as revelations about European sex-romps have once again forced him to quit the race.

In 2004, allegations of his estranged wife and Star Trek actress Jeri Ryan regarding visits to New York and Paris sex clubs where he attempted to force her to perform public sexual acts doomed the family-values-oriented politician. This time around, news of trips he made to Amsterdam to engage in what is known locally as "Von Poepen-Geslacht", or vulgar outdoor extra-marital affairs, have doomed his dream of representing Illinois on the floor of the Senate.

According to Ryan, "It's a shame that the great people of Illinois will have to be represented by an upstanding black man who supports gay marriage for another six years."

2005-09-13T11:15:00.000-07:00

BlowBack^TM future post date: July 9th, 2007

Today's nuclear strike on a suspected Iranian chemical weapons factory was the fourth such attack in the past two weeks. The attack was leveled at an alleged chemical production site in Esfahan. In addition to the destruction of the site, civilian casualties are estimated to be between 50,000 to 300,000 with fallout continuing to affect the city of over one million residents.

The attacks have taken place under a revised Pentagon nuclear policy approved in 2005, authorizing the Defense Department to take pre-emptive nuclear action against nations suspected of using weapons of mass destruction.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld commented on the attack by lauding its effectiveness, while explaining the civilian deaths as "unfortunate." Responding to a question as to why the nuclear option has been used, Rumsfeld continued, "When it comes to things like this, there are some things we don't know, and some things we know we don't know. What we don't know, we don't know. In this case, we don't know what we know. Next question."

2005-09-10T18:48:00.000-07:00

BlowBack^TM future post date: November 19, 2005

President Bush today announced his appointment of John E. Pennington to replace Michael Brown as director of FEMA. Pennington has been serving as Northwest Regional Director of FEMA since his appointment in 2001.

"Penny's been a great part of our emergency response team up in Seattle, and just like Brownie I'll bet he does a great job keeping our emergency services on indefinite stand-by during disasters," said Bush.

Recently, Pennington's qualifications came under fire in local Seattle media due to his lack of holding any relevant experience and a degree from a suspected "diploma mill". Responding to a question about Pennington's background, White House Spokesman Scott McClellan said, "I think we've addressed this issue numerous times in the past and as always we won't be commenting on it until the ongoing investigation is complete."

2005-09-10T13:00:00.000-07:00

BlowBack^TM future post date: June 21, 2008

In a poll released today, President Bush's job approval ratings remained steady at the same 38% result seen by major polls post-Hurricane Katrina. Frank Newport, editor of the Gallup Poll, considers this result a "net zero--a 'basement floor' of support which cannot go any lower". According to Newport, "The consistent thirty-seven to thirty-nine percent approval ratings seen over the past three years show that every last person who could possibly disapprove of President Bush does, infact, disapprove of his job performance."

Consequently, many professional pollsters have dubbed the 38% mark the "idiot line", due to the fact that 38% of the American public are idiots. Explaining Bush's support among idiots, Newport explained that, "most idiots do not have access to the internet, are illiterate, and do not watch television outside of re-run reality shows and cable news."

2005-09-08T13:45:00.000-07:00

BlowBack^TM future post date: November 9, 2006

Senator-elect Paul Hackett today said that he is "locked and loaded, ready for action" in the coming 110th Congress. "I'm coming for your chicken-hawk ass, Bush. Just like I did Zarqawi." Hackett served a tour of duty in Iraq with the Marines in 2004.

Key to Hackett's victory was his tough talk regarding the President's handling of the Iraq War, as well as issues surrounding incumbent Senator Mike DeWine stemming from his involvement in the Ohio Republican Party's "CoinGate" scandal.

Following Hackett's statement and yesterday's loss of Senate control to Democrats, President Bush scheduled an impromtu vacation at his Crawford ranch, expected to end sometime in 2007.

2005-09-08T08:28:00.000-07:00

BlowBack^TM future post date: August 27th, 2008

FEMA Director Charles Jarvis today stated that the agency's lack of response to Hurricane Dolly was due in large part to newspaper reports which claimed Friday that Atlantic City had been "spared the wrath of God." When asked whether race was a factor in FEMA's decision to focus on the evacuation of Harrah's, Trump Plaza and the Tropicana with the first wave of busses and helicopters, Jarvis replied that "blacks play in the casinos too."

President Bush later spoke in the Rose Garden to reporters and addressed the situation as a "awe-inspiring disaster." The President spoke fondly of his many stays in the coastal tourist destination when he was younger. "I remember when I was at Yale, me and some of the other Skull and Boneses would jump in a car and drive all the way to A.C. for the weekend. By the time we got there, that fifth of Jim Beam would be done. Good times, good times."